Thoughts

Random Thoughts…

I received the following story from our Aunt Frieda on Facebook yesterday and it provoked a lot of thinking…

Known by Name

The bird also has found a house, and the swallow a nest for herself, ... even Your altars, O LORD of hosts.

Psalm 84:3

I heard the story recently of a couple who, by their tenth anniversary, had been unable to conceive any children. Those of you who have experienced this heartbreak can readily relate to the frustration they felt, the void that remained so senselessly empty in their lives.

On days when they allowed themselves to think about it, they'd ponder what they might name a child if they were ever to have one. They had always been able to settle on a boy's name, but they both had a different favorite for a girl. The wife liked the name Autumn; the husband preferred Amanda.

But still, no child came. Boy or girl. So they went to Plan B and decided to adopt siblings.

You can imagine how they prayed for this opportunity to develop. They asked God to work His perfect will, to bind their hearts with just the right children from just the right situation. One day the adoption agency called with the news that two sisters--ages three and five--had been relinquished by their mother. Though she wasn't a believer herself, the woman had requested that her daughters be placed with a Christian family. That had moved this couple's name to the top of the list.

When they asked the social worker to tell them more about the girls, here's what she said: "They're both green-eyed blondes. The five-year-old is namedAutumn. The three-year-old is named Amanda."

How amazing it is when God mends a broken heart and parts the curtain at times, showing us beyond the shadow of a doubt that He hears our prayers and knows our hearts. If you've been praying for a similar answer to your need, know that He never loses sight of you, that He knows where you are ... that He knows your name.

Pray

Even when it seems and feels like it's getting you nowhere, keep praying. Keep praying.

So -What did it make me think about?  

Just about how much I want this.   I have to constantly remind myself that it will be worth it once we have our bundle of joy.  There are days I question God and whether or not he actually feels that Chad and I are fit to be parents.  

Some days I feel like there is a conspiracy against me – I know that is a completely irrational thought, but it does cross my mind.  I wonder if people are getting pregnant just to rub it in my face.  Trust me – I know this is not the case.  It just feels like it.

At my appointment on Friday, Dr. Heaps pointed out that I own too much of the infertility burden.  Yes, it does take up too much space in my head.  How can it not?!  That being said, I am trying not to let it take over my life.  That’s my goal for this cycle…to relax, have fun and, most importantly, NOT let infertility own me.  Don’t get me wrong – I still think about it…I am just making an active decision to not think about it all the time.

I’m trying to remain hopeful and optimistic, but not overly optimistic.  This morning I actually registered for a convention/convention called “A Family of My Own” that is being held in Houston on November 3rd.  It will have a lot of information – about IVF, IUI, adoption, surrogacy and alternative therapies.  Unfortunately, Chad won’t be able to attend with me, as there’s an outage at the plant.  I’m still undecided whether I’ll go, but at least I’m registered.  There’s even the opportunity to win one IVF cycle, which would be phenomenal!  (Especially since we have the best outcome with IVF.)

I’m just hoping and praying that everything will work out.  And I know that there are other people out there who are hoping and praying for us as well.  That, my friends, makes my heart full. I’m so appreciative of all the support that I have received through this trying time.  I know that I’m not alone…ya’ll are rooting for us.  And that seriously makes me happier than you’ll ever know.  Those of you who know me well know that I’m emotional to begin with, but these hormones make me even more emotional.  I get teary-eyed a lot, and it’s not totally a bad thing.  It’s because of simple comments, messages, and encouragement that I get from you all.

A simple thank you is not enough, but that’s all I have to offer.  Thank you!