We're Not Broken, Just Bent
2013 is NOT our year. We are both ready to move on and make this nothing more than a bad memory.
Yesterday was quite tumultuous for both of us. We were of the mindset that it was our lucky day, and were anxiously awaiting the results of my BETA HCG. We were 100% positive that this last round had worked - we even had our "Thank You" gifts planned for the doctors.
The morning went by so slowly and I practically jumped out of my skin every time the phone rang. Around 2pm, my phone rang and I knew that familiar phone number. Unfortunately, the cell signal in our house is awful so the call was dropped and I ended up calling back from the house.
"We have your lab results......"
Insert 15 second pause.
"They're negative."
WHAT?!?!!? Stupid me, in denial about this asks just how negative they were. DUH! Negative. Negative is negative. Period. End of Sentence. Thankfully, I held myself together through the phone call. Then I lost it. I called Chad. After I told him I could hear it in his voice.
Honestly, I just want to run away and never come back. We're stuck in this place, away from our family, with very few friends. We are alone. I couldn't handle it. I thought about packing up and driving straight home so that I could make my friend Missy's wedding today. I knew that really wasn't the best idea. so, I did the next best thing. I went to Center Court.
I couldn't handle being alone. I walked in and Sam was all excited, wanting to hear the news. I just started bawling. I stayed there for at least two hours until somebody I knew came in. Here was my deal - the people at Center Court have become our family. That's what I needed. Friends and family.
Chad tried to get off of work early, but of course, his boss came in. I asked if he could just tell him that I needed him. You all know how that went. He didn't arrive until about 5:30-ish. I don't think we left there until almost 8. One of our friends came up because he saw my post on Facebook and he knew where he could find us. I received so many hugs and even had a few people get teary-eyed. And, in case you were wondering I definitely drank last night.
Chad doesn't believe that I'm not pregnant. He said he's not going to believe it until AF shows her face. I don't know what to think, because I'm just numb.
6 months of trying naturally = 6 BFN & 1 possible early MC
6 months of Clomid = 6 BFN & 1 possible early MC
2 months of natural = 2 BFN, 2 cysts & surgery
1 month of IUI with Bravelle & Endometrin = 1 BFN 4 days before BETA
2 months of natural = 2 BFN because we didn't even try
1 month of IUI with increase Bravelle & Endometrin = 1 BFN 4 days before BETA & a very irritated crotch (Thank you Endometrin)
1 month of IUI with Follistim & PIO injections = 1 BFN on day of BETA & no AF
You know what I have to show for this cycle? Lumps, bumps & bruises all over my already large lumpy ass. Excess bloating, were I feel like a fat-ass in everything I own. Emotions all over the place.
Since the phone call, I have had to take two anti-anxiety pills. I'm pretty sure I could sleep all weekend long. I have zero desire to go to work on Monday, though there are some patients that I'd really like to see. (And, I really miss my emails with Jess) I just don't want to do anything except go home. (Oh, and be pregnant)
Is it really that hard? Am I asking too much? What did we do to deserve this? What is wrong with me? Why can't anything be easy for us
On Wednesday we have our WTF appointment with Dr Williams. We are planning on scheduling an appointment with Dr Heaps as well, just to help figure things out. Honestly, I'm fully anticipating the suggestions of another laparoscopy, just to make sure the Endometriosis hasn't ruined my body, and another HSG. Just because. If they think I'm getting that done again, they're most certainly going to sedate me. No way. No how.
Looks like we'll be moving on to IVF. I can't even imagine how bitchy, lumpy, bruised and broken I'm going to feel.
*It's in the stars. It's been written in the scars of our hearts We're not broken, just bent. And we can learn to love again.*
Yesterday was quite tumultuous for both of us. We were of the mindset that it was our lucky day, and were anxiously awaiting the results of my BETA HCG. We were 100% positive that this last round had worked - we even had our "Thank You" gifts planned for the doctors.
The morning went by so slowly and I practically jumped out of my skin every time the phone rang. Around 2pm, my phone rang and I knew that familiar phone number. Unfortunately, the cell signal in our house is awful so the call was dropped and I ended up calling back from the house.
"We have your lab results......"
Insert 15 second pause.
"They're negative."
WHAT?!?!!? Stupid me, in denial about this asks just how negative they were. DUH! Negative. Negative is negative. Period. End of Sentence. Thankfully, I held myself together through the phone call. Then I lost it. I called Chad. After I told him I could hear it in his voice.
Honestly, I just want to run away and never come back. We're stuck in this place, away from our family, with very few friends. We are alone. I couldn't handle it. I thought about packing up and driving straight home so that I could make my friend Missy's wedding today. I knew that really wasn't the best idea. so, I did the next best thing. I went to Center Court.
I couldn't handle being alone. I walked in and Sam was all excited, wanting to hear the news. I just started bawling. I stayed there for at least two hours until somebody I knew came in. Here was my deal - the people at Center Court have become our family. That's what I needed. Friends and family.
Chad tried to get off of work early, but of course, his boss came in. I asked if he could just tell him that I needed him. You all know how that went. He didn't arrive until about 5:30-ish. I don't think we left there until almost 8. One of our friends came up because he saw my post on Facebook and he knew where he could find us. I received so many hugs and even had a few people get teary-eyed. And, in case you were wondering I definitely drank last night.
Chad doesn't believe that I'm not pregnant. He said he's not going to believe it until AF shows her face. I don't know what to think, because I'm just numb.
6 months of trying naturally = 6 BFN & 1 possible early MC
6 months of Clomid = 6 BFN & 1 possible early MC
2 months of natural = 2 BFN, 2 cysts & surgery
1 month of IUI with Bravelle & Endometrin = 1 BFN 4 days before BETA
2 months of natural = 2 BFN because we didn't even try
1 month of IUI with increase Bravelle & Endometrin = 1 BFN 4 days before BETA & a very irritated crotch (Thank you Endometrin)
1 month of IUI with Follistim & PIO injections = 1 BFN on day of BETA & no AF
You know what I have to show for this cycle? Lumps, bumps & bruises all over my already large lumpy ass. Excess bloating, were I feel like a fat-ass in everything I own. Emotions all over the place.
Since the phone call, I have had to take two anti-anxiety pills. I'm pretty sure I could sleep all weekend long. I have zero desire to go to work on Monday, though there are some patients that I'd really like to see. (And, I really miss my emails with Jess) I just don't want to do anything except go home. (Oh, and be pregnant)
Is it really that hard? Am I asking too much? What did we do to deserve this? What is wrong with me? Why can't anything be easy for us
On Wednesday we have our WTF appointment with Dr Williams. We are planning on scheduling an appointment with Dr Heaps as well, just to help figure things out. Honestly, I'm fully anticipating the suggestions of another laparoscopy, just to make sure the Endometriosis hasn't ruined my body, and another HSG. Just because. If they think I'm getting that done again, they're most certainly going to sedate me. No way. No how.
Looks like we'll be moving on to IVF. I can't even imagine how bitchy, lumpy, bruised and broken I'm going to feel.
*It's in the stars. It's been written in the scars of our hearts We're not broken, just bent. And we can learn to love again.*
Hang in there hon. People try for years & years & this is only year two if I understood your timeline above correctly. (Though I know how a month, two, four & six can feel like forever!!) IUI didn't work for my neighbors & they felt really down & discouraged at that time, too. Flash forward; after IVF &, later, donor eggs - they now have three beautiful children.
ReplyDeleteDo what you gotta do, but I'm sure you'll make it happen one way or another. *hugs*