Reflecting

Tomorrow was supposed to be the day.  The day that I arrived at the hospital, was admitted and had an uneventful c-section.  A controlled setting, completely opposite of what we experienced.

A setting where we could enjoy knowing that our babies were coming into this world ready.  We would have been ready, too.  We would have taken the usual & customary pictures, would have been able to see our babies immediately after their birth.

Instead, we are going to bed and setting our alarms for every three hours to feed our babies. 

 Campbelle came home yesterday, Coleson came home today.  

They aren't even supposed to be here, let alone home with us.  And, did they really let us take two preemies home?

I'm doing better with accepting their birth story, but that doesn't mean that I like it.  Part of me still wishes that we'd experienced that perfect birth that I'd dreamed of...

Where I got to walk down to the OR and there wasn't any rushing around. Where Chad came in at the perfect time and was able to take pictures.  Where we laughed with Dr Heaps like we usually do...

I'm stuck with an imperfect story.  One where I arrive at the hospital in extreme pain right before shift change, only to find out I'm completely dilated and the only thing keeping my babies in was their water bag.  Where I'm rushed to the OR while Chad sits with Charleigh, unsure whether or not he will be there for the birth of our twins.

It's still tough.

What's even more difficult is hearing more about what happened that morning.  Every day a little bit more comes back to me, though I'm still having difficulty processing it.  I probably always will.

Campbelle was born hanging on by a thread - her apgar was 3.  They rushed her out of the OR and apparently considered sending her to the med center via life flight.  Thankfully, they stabilized her.

Coleson was much stronger than his sister - his apgar was 6.  This is ironic since Campbelle actually did better than he did, and was the first to be discharged.

Hopefully someday I can look at their birth and laugh.  "Remember that time I showed up at the hospital with babies about to fall out of me?!"  But for now, I'm still mourning the birth I'd hoped for.