Not Broken, Just Bent

Yesterday I had my highly anticipated appointment with my OBGYN for my annual well woman exam.  Saying that I was dreading it would be an understatement, particularly since I knew it was time to bring up excision surgery.  I could only hope that he had the time to dedicate to me, without getting called away to a delivery.  Luckily, he was all mine.

I was honest about how I was feeling - tired of the constant bleeding, tired of feeling generally shitty all the time. Tired of not being able to pin point the source of my pain - Do I need to poop?  Am I going to puke?  Are those spasms?  Cramps? 

It really just reminds me of how I was feeling in high school - just a general icky feeling. And, I'm honestly exhausted all the time.  I'm sure that's partially due to my children, but this is ridiculous.  I just can't be the best Mom or Wife feeling like this.  I can't be the best ME.

So we discussed it all.  Last time, after my tubal ligation, he recommended an extensive excision - potentially with Colonrectal surgeons and a urologist as well, to rebuild anything that needed to be rebuilt.  This intrigued me, as I wouldn't lose my organs, and I would still be able to have children in the future if I so desired.  (We obviously kept those 5 embryos for a reason.). Sounds good, sign me up.

Unfortunately since things have progressed quicker than anticipated, he feels a hysterectomy is the way to go.  This is mainly because I just haven't stopped bleeding since having the twins.  He thinks that getting rid of it will be the only way to get rid of the bleeding.  He will also excise any remaining endometriosis in my pelvic cavity.

He has me scheduled for a MRI on Tuesday to see how deep all of the endometriosis is and what it has done since January.   Depending on what that says, we may have to see a Colonrectal surgeon and/or Urologist before we can proceed.  I have my follow up with my OB the end of this month, and my surgery is tentatively scheduled for July 13th.

The irony in the surgery date is that the very first surgery I had with this man was on July 13th, 2011.  Now, my mom's freaking out since that was the surgery where my uterus was perforated, but I think it's kind of strange.  First and last surgery on the same day, five years apart.

I'm not quite sure how we will work this out, what with the kids and all.  He said recovery would be very much like my c section (easy peasy, in my book), but it would be more difficult because of the lifting restrictions placed on me.  We will figure it out, though, just like we always do.

Sadly, I bawled when I got the plan of action.  It was not what I was anticipating - I truly thought he was going to do an extensive excision and leave my uterus alone so that I could have another baby in the future.  I told him that I really DO want another sometime, just not right now and that it made me angry. Well, it was honestly more than that - it's a combination of many other things.  I really want another baby, not now, but in the future.  Pregnancy announcements STILL hurt me, especially when people know what you've gone through and don't tell you before they tell others.  There's nothing worse than finding that out from another person during a party. *UGH*. Or, Facebook announcements - especially when they are people who truly don't need to be having any more kids because of employment issues (or lack of employment issues).  Or, even, people that just don't deserve to have children.  Yes... I said it.  There truly are some people who don't deserve to have children, there are also people who just don't need to have any more.  

The bottom line is that it appears that EVERYBODY around me can get pregnant, but NOT me. (Without help). Don't get me wrong, I am so very blessed and thankful that I have these three absolutely perfect *sometimes* cherubs, but that doesn't mean that I don't want more.  I'm really not trying to be greedy.  Yes, this mom gig is tough, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.  I love being a mom, and I already miss the sweet, cuddly newborn stage.

Yet here I am.  Having a hysterectomy on July 13th.  It's kind of scary and almost sad.  I will NEVER be able to have any more children.  The finality of this situation is depressing. I explained this to my OB, an out how broken I felt, and how this all just makes me angry.  He made a joke of the situation, which actually helped, and I'm trying to remember it whenever I get upset. He said, "Diana, I'd like to get a tan but I can't.  It makes me very angry, it's normal.  But that's how God made me (a ginger), just like that's how he made you.  There's nothing that can be done about it and you aren't to fault."  I sadly found this amusing, but very helpful.

Part of me feels like I'm giving up too soon.  Perhaps I should give it some more time, sleep on the decision more, maybe even make a pros & cons list.  Sadly, I know, deep down, I just need to do it.

I'm hoping, as is Chad, that by doing this it will provide some sort of closure for me.  We obviously know that we aren't having any more children, so there's no use getting upset about it.  I need to focus on thinking about the good - no more periods, no more cramps, I shouldn't be as chronically fatigued as I am, and maybe I'll feel better in general.  (Like, I won't get sick as frequently, I'd actually feel like socializing and doing things with my friends.

Hell, I'm going to have a massive supply of feminine hygiene products to get rid of.  Absolutely amazing.  That would even save us money!

So, although I'm still struggling with the fact that I'm losing my uterus and the ability to have babies, I'm going to try to focus on the good.  But, if you see me and I'm crying, don't be afraid to talk to me.  It's going to be a very rough patch for awhile.

Thank you for your thoughts & prayers.  And, for listening to me ramble.