After Burn
I've been trying to figure out how to eloquently put this into words for awhile now, since 4:31pm on May 21st, to be exact. Okay, I didn't really know that I'd feel this way then. It's something that I expected to magically vanish after I held Charleigh and took her home. But it didn't, and I don't this it will ever go away. Please hang in there while I try to put this into words...
All those years of trying to have a baby. All of the drugs and pain. Every shot, pill, suppository, and patch. It took all of those things to have my precious, perfect Charleigh.
Month after month, I'd hold onto hope. I'd pray that I wouldn't start my period, that a miracle would happen. Every month I'd cry, try to figure out what I did wrong.
Day after day I saw pregnant women and pregnancy announcements on Facebook. My heart broke a little more each time.
And then it was our turn. Tens of thousands of dollars later, I was pregnant.
I thought those feelings would go away, especially after I had Charleigh. All would be right in the world because I finally had my miracle baby. My dream of being a Mommy had been actualized. I was living the dream.
Those feelings, however, didn't go away. Sometimes those feelings are much more intense.
It hurts. Pregnancy announcements still bother me. Yes, I'm happy that others get to experience this magical time. But I always wonder if they take it for granted. Do they truly know what a miracle it is?
Will this ever get any easier?
After twenty weeks, it hasn't. I'm jealous of those who fall pregnant on their own without even trying. I'm jealous of those that don't have to go through the pain, those who don't have to spend all of the money to have a baby.
I'm still bitter.
I find myself jealous of the waitress that just found out she's pregnant after a one night stand. I know, it's not the ideal situation, but she's still pregnant and I'm not. I'm happy for her, really I am. Maybe this is what she needs to turn her life around. Yet I cannot help but want to cry when she shows me images of her first ultrasound. She doesn't get it. She sees me sitting there with my bundle of joy and wants me to share in her excitement. She thinks I'll understand, which I do. But what she doesn't understand (or know) is just how much it took for me to have this beautiful bundle of joy. How I would love to be in her shoes. How if that baby were mine, it would have EVERYTHING it would ever want - it would have the best life, complete with a Mommy AND Daddy that love it more than anything in the world.
I'm really not complaining, nor am I trying to get sympathy. These feelings came as quite a surprise to me. These feelings will never go away.
My body failed me. Without modern medicine I wouldn't have been able to become pregnant OR sustain a pregnancy. It hurts. Every day. My body doesn't know what to do, other than attack itself - stupid Endometriosis.
I love my Charleigh June more than life itself, and I promise you that she will know how much she is loved and how very much we wanted her. She's also going to know what we went through to have her, and she's going to know that there's no shame in fertility treatments. I'm going to tell her that she means that much more to us because of what we went through to have her.
All those years of trying to have a baby. All of the drugs and pain. Every shot, pill, suppository, and patch. It took all of those things to have my precious, perfect Charleigh.
Month after month, I'd hold onto hope. I'd pray that I wouldn't start my period, that a miracle would happen. Every month I'd cry, try to figure out what I did wrong.
Day after day I saw pregnant women and pregnancy announcements on Facebook. My heart broke a little more each time.
And then it was our turn. Tens of thousands of dollars later, I was pregnant.
I thought those feelings would go away, especially after I had Charleigh. All would be right in the world because I finally had my miracle baby. My dream of being a Mommy had been actualized. I was living the dream.
Those feelings, however, didn't go away. Sometimes those feelings are much more intense.
It hurts. Pregnancy announcements still bother me. Yes, I'm happy that others get to experience this magical time. But I always wonder if they take it for granted. Do they truly know what a miracle it is?
Will this ever get any easier?
After twenty weeks, it hasn't. I'm jealous of those who fall pregnant on their own without even trying. I'm jealous of those that don't have to go through the pain, those who don't have to spend all of the money to have a baby.
I'm still bitter.
I find myself jealous of the waitress that just found out she's pregnant after a one night stand. I know, it's not the ideal situation, but she's still pregnant and I'm not. I'm happy for her, really I am. Maybe this is what she needs to turn her life around. Yet I cannot help but want to cry when she shows me images of her first ultrasound. She doesn't get it. She sees me sitting there with my bundle of joy and wants me to share in her excitement. She thinks I'll understand, which I do. But what she doesn't understand (or know) is just how much it took for me to have this beautiful bundle of joy. How I would love to be in her shoes. How if that baby were mine, it would have EVERYTHING it would ever want - it would have the best life, complete with a Mommy AND Daddy that love it more than anything in the world.
I'm really not complaining, nor am I trying to get sympathy. These feelings came as quite a surprise to me. These feelings will never go away.
My body failed me. Without modern medicine I wouldn't have been able to become pregnant OR sustain a pregnancy. It hurts. Every day. My body doesn't know what to do, other than attack itself - stupid Endometriosis.
I love my Charleigh June more than life itself, and I promise you that she will know how much she is loved and how very much we wanted her. She's also going to know what we went through to have her, and she's going to know that there's no shame in fertility treatments. I'm going to tell her that she means that much more to us because of what we went through to have her.
She is one of the most loved girls in the world.
I 110% know how you feel. I get it. And I'm with you.
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